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If you're like me, you may often question where our civility has gone. We encounter rude behavior on our streets and highways. TV talk shows draw audiences by promising high-stakes conflict. Consumers think nothing of berating a retail worker who is just doing their job.
While certain people can find rude and uncivil behavior entertaining, uncivil behavior is never entertaining in the workplace. Whether co-workers are being deliberately rude or just plain mean, the behavior destroys productivity. Left unchecked by managers, it also drives turnover.
Because each individual may view uncivil behavior differently, it's important to define the boundaries before we can attempt to correct incivility in an organizational setting.
Related: 7 Ways to Create a Friendly Environment at Work
Defining uncivil behavior
Employees from many backgrounds and cultures populate today's workplaces, and managers may struggle to set guidelines for what constitutes proper behavior. In the simplest terms, if an employee feels slighted or undervalued because of the way a co-worker or manager interacts with them, you have a problem.
Managers who look at their phone during one-on-one meetings are being rude and are silently telling their employees they don't matter. Employees who chastise co-workers who think differently than them are engaging in uncivil and potentially threatening behavior.
The negative impact of uncivil behavior
I learned firsthand how uncivil behavior can bring productivity to a standstill. I was away at a conference with a new employee where we were engaging with potential prospects and important contacts in the industry.
Suddenly, my phone began to blow up with activity on our corporate Slack channel for senior leadership. After several minutes, with no letup in activity on the messaging platform, I realized there was an emergency — one that was far different from what I could have imagined.
Two of our senior leaders, whose offices were no more than 20 feet apart, were arguing via text messages. As the argument grew more heated and showed no signs of being resolved, I had to excuse myself from the conference and my new employee, who was also witnessing everything in real time on Slack.
What I needed most at that moment was for my two leaders to come to an agreement and return to productive work. I instructed them to walk down the hallway, get together in person and resolve the conflict. They did. And I learned a lesson.
Having emotionally elevated conversations by email or text is a bad idea. People almost always find it easier to say things in those formats that they wouldn't say to someone in person. Often, uncivil remarks emerge when the recipient misunderstands, usually due to the lack of vocal tone or facial expression. It is always better to have face-to-face conversations when you can't agree on something.
Our rule is this: If you need to write more than a paragraph, have the conversation person-to-person.
Related: 6 Tips for Helping Employees Work Through Conflicts
Setting and communicating your boundaries
After that incident, I established a code of civility at my business. My leaders are expected to set the example for civil behavior. The major tenants of the code include:
Everyone deserves dignity and respect regardless of their role in the company, age, appearance, what they did last night or their political allegiances. When you engage in conversation with a co-worker, especially one you've disagreed with in the past, be intentional about maintaining civility in your remarks. Your job title is not a license to be condescending; it's a responsibility not to be.
Always assume positive intent. When you encounter a dispute, or you believe an employee may have done something wrong, proceed slowly. Allow them to explain, whether it's a co-worker or a member of your team. Instead of reacting emotionally and making a tense situation worse, listen closely. You may learn that you've read the situation incorrectly.
Don't get furious, get curious. If you feel tense or anxious, your body is signaling you to ask more questions. When you are trying to diffuse an argument, your goal should be to clearly understand the problem through their eyes before you leap to offering a solution.
Speak to the person who is causing, or who can solve, the problem. When one team member has an issue with a co-worker, we encourage them to have the courage to speak directly to that person. "Sideways conversations" lead to gossip and misinformation. And we are also mindful not to make mountains out of molehills.
You can't always control what happens, but you can always control how you react to it in every situation. You may not always be able to make the situation better, but you can always avoid making it worse. Loud or abusive language toward another employee cannot be tolerated.
I expect all my employees to follow our code of civility and to always be trustworthy in all they say and do. This is mission-critical for management.
Leaders set the standard for workplace culture
As a CEO, I make it a point to emphasize civility in my workplace, which means I should be modeling the behavior I want to see. It can be challenging to self-monitor. When I suspect (or realize) I've failed, I own it and seek feedback.
It's not easy to hear candid feedback, especially from people who aren't privy to all the information you are. So, I've had to learn, rather than responding to their comments immediately, to first thank them for having the courage and candor to offer it.
Employees will not see you as a weak leader if you project a kind and self-aware persona. They'll respect you for admitting to your shortcomings as they watch you work to improve yourself. The right managerial mindset can make a huge difference.
Related: Here Are 4 Ways to Develop a Culture of Respect and Trust
Maintaining civility in the workplace requires leaders to set examples through their words and actions. More importantly, managers should hire individuals who will be a good fit with a civil workplace.
At my company, an employee who fits well with our culture and our customers is highly valued. But a team member who contributes to civility in our workplace is invaluable.
